So I have an experience i dont want to forget. So my thoughts were pretty raw yesterday and I wrote them down before I forgot my most inimate thoughts about it. So here goes
I was busy in a rush to teach a new Easter song to the primary kids on Sunday. I had 6 minutes to teach. I was a bit frustrated. I rushed out the door to sing with the nursery kids and my homeless drug addicted nephew was standing there with the missionaries. (he was my son for 5 years and referred to me as his mom at school) So here is my experience of knowing before I opened the door to leave the primary room that, it was him.
I will never forget the look on the missionaries face when I opened the door of the Primary room to leave. They were stunned that this young homeless man belonged to me. Apparently he told them his Aunt was there and that he grew up in the ward. He said he knew he was supposed to go there and that he was done. He sobbed and hugged me as if his life depended on it. He didn’t want to let go. Knowing that he was hurt beyond what my heart could understand. I had to be his mom in that moment. I had to be the angel of mercy that would love him unconditionally at that moment. Then I became confused and conflicted about what rules I had set for myself early on about not helping him be what people refer to as a "low life". I did not know how I was going to help or how much I was going to help or how I was going to react when it got bad. I just knew that I had to clean him up, give him food, and let his body and mind rest.
I realized after washing and polishing that awful smell and dirtiness. (and threw up several times over) There was a shell of a young man before me. I realized that I was dealing with a heart that was empty of hope and empty of feelings beyond his own for himself and for anyone else. There was no sense of belonging to a family or mother. Despite arguing I realized this is how he truly felt and I had to let him own it.
He was asking for me. He didn't have to say it, and he never did, but he was looking for my love and comfort. I see now that there is nothing there. NO HOPE, NO LOVE, and NO WILL TO LIVE.
The following morning was spent working on finding recovery help, mental help, and medical help. Everything fell into place and I was so excited to do what I could to learn and help him. Everyone was agreeing to be supportive and give us both unconditional love. I went home and started to make dinner and realized I better drive around town and find him and bring him home first.
I drove to the first place I could think of, McDonalds. There he was right there. I told him, "Hey get in. Im gonna cook a pizza". It took two seconds to see he was high. So I asked him and he said no. So I took a closer look and he was. He started his usual conversation about how it wont hurt anything. I got real quiet and we went into the house. He packed his stuff and left. I was bawling.
On my way to spend time with a special friend after it happened, it occured to me that my heart was the purest it had ever been to help him and that I would not be held accountable for his choice or my unhappiness with his choices. I truly tried with every fiber of my being to give him what he needed. Im sure there is more I will learn from this but not sure what it is yet. I am just grateful that I did get the chance to soften my heart through service of washing his clothes, giving him a shower, making him food, and washing his feet and treating his blisters.
And just like that, it's summer
6 hours ago